things that broke me – pt 2

Welcome back to my cleanse! Let’s get going on the next one…

I guess this one would have to be about dating.

During my long term relationship is when all those dating/swipe apps (don’t want to name names, but you can make your assumptions and know you’re right) came out. I came out into a whole new world that I had no idea how to navigate in… and still don’t. I had friends teaching me how to use the apps and telling me what I should do and say and none of it felt very good and obviously hasn’t worked out so far.

I’ve probably deleted and re-downloaded the app about 9 times in the last 3 years. I try it, I go on a few dates, feel like shit, and then I delete it again. It feels like what it was like dating right after graduating from high school- where no one cares about anyone else, but themselves and their desires. Why would I not just keep off it? Well, I’m not exactly comfortable going to a bar or something alone and trying to start up a conversation with a stranger and think that could possibly go well. I don’t want to give up.

The thing that has upset me the most is that, I can be fully honest and say what I want and STILL people take advantage and say they want the same thing, but then it turns out they don’t. I’ve gotten the ol’ “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I just don’t think I’m ready for anything serious right now” bit so many times. It’s ridiculous. Every time it happens, I feel just a little bit more like something is wrong with me. It’s like an insecurity time bomb that this whole system is just adding power to.

I know I’m not alone in this and it’s not just females feeling it. The worst part is that I don’t really know what solution there is so I just delete it for a few months then go back on and then delete again for months. I keep hoping for the best, but I’m really exhausted of going around this circle over and over again. It’s painful and, to be frank, it fucking sucks.

Be kind.

Read part one and part three.


3 thoughts on “things that broke me – pt 2

  1. Looking for the Light says:

    I went thru this thru most of my 20’s. I was abused as a child and adult, had self confidence issues and pretty much my life sucked except of a few friends. My unbarring was not privileged, internally I was comfortable being lower middle class. I challenged my self to “class up” in order to meet a man in corporate America. I took a mouse in Art, my self image started to go up, went to art museum’s, volunteered to teach people on unemployment “How to get a job” and my self image was starting to bloom. I met and married a client, got better jobs. My boss at the time got me hooked on self help motivation books and speakers. None felt comfortable, I was out of my element, had no idea what to say nor did I know how to dress for corporate America.
    I finally felt comfortable and years later found the highest paying job.
    That’s my story, your’s is different. I would add it’s up to you to change the situation any way you can to raise your self esteem.
    Hugs, think of you daily.

  2. Looking for the Light says:

    One point I didn’t make is how hard it can be when your depressed or manic. Your depression will try but don’t let it stop you. On the days you feel okay, get out of your comfort zone. One thing holding you back is unresolved anger for ex and low self esteem. Take a nano step at a time. 🙂

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