Welcome back to my cleanse! Let’s get going on the next one…
I guess this one would have to be about dating.
During my long term relationship is when all those dating/swipe apps (don’t want to name names, but you can make your assumptions and know you’re right) came out. I came out into a whole new world that I had no idea how to navigate in… and still don’t. I had friends teaching me how to use the apps and telling me what I should do and say and none of it felt very good and obviously hasn’t worked out so far.
I’ve probably deleted and re-downloaded the app about 9 times in the last 3 years. I try it, I go on a few dates, feel like shit, and then I delete it again. It feels like what it was like dating right after graduating from high school- where no one cares about anyone else, but themselves and their desires. Why would I not just keep off it? Well, I’m not exactly comfortable going to a bar or something alone and trying to start up a conversation with a stranger and think that could possibly go well. I don’t want to give up.
The thing that has upset me the most is that, I can be fully honest and say what I want and STILL people take advantage and say they want the same thing, but then it turns out they don’t. I’ve gotten the ol’ “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I just don’t think I’m ready for anything serious right now” bit so many times. It’s ridiculous. Every time it happens, I feel just a little bit more like something is wrong with me. It’s like an insecurity time bomb that this whole system is just adding power to.
I know I’m not alone in this and it’s not just females feeling it. The worst part is that I don’t really know what solution there is so I just delete it for a few months then go back on and then delete again for months. I keep hoping for the best, but I’m really exhausted of going around this circle over and over again. It’s painful and, to be frank, it fucking sucks.