things that broke me – pt 1

After some recent painful nights, I thought up the idea to create a series where I can release some of the things that continue to haunt me. I am trying to change myself, trying to be more positive, and change my way of thinking for the better. This is my way of cleansing myself and making way for beautiful change.

Let’s begin with one of the toughest ones.

I was in a relationship with someone for close to 4 years and he told me “I love you” out loud twice. There were times where I’d ask him to say it and he’d mumble it, but I rarely asked because it made me feel so pathetic even having to ask. The first time he said it on his own was when I tried to break up with him the first time (a month before actually ending it) and then the second time was right before I walked out the door for good.

His reasoning for not being able to say it was that his ex had “fucked with his mind for over a year”. At first, I understood that, but after we moved in together (after a year) and then more years stacked on to us being together, it felt more and more ridiculous and got more and more painful for me. I hate telling people about this whole thing because I still feel like an idiot. Who would put up with that?

I said it almost every day. Sometimes, I’d try to see how long I could go without saying it and I’d only last about 2 days. Why did I try not to say it? Because saying “I love you” to someone and NEVER getting an “I love you” back is so. fucking. painful. After a while, I felt embarrassed at myself each time I would say it.

Oh and we’re not talking about an agreed upon thing here. It’s not something that was ever okay with me and it was brought up many times. Some people have an understanding or whatever and that’s fine, but it’s not fine when it’s not agreed upon by both people.

I don’t like to tell people about this because there’s still feelings of embarrassment, idiocy, resentment, sadness, and regret that are harbored within the memory. I will say it again in hopes that it sinks in… not hearing “I love you” back for YEARS is painful. It FUCKING BROKE ME. It DESTROYED ME.

I wish he knew that.

I am so tired of carrying around this memory and this pain. I am here now to release it. I am sorry if any of you have been through a similar experience. It really messes with your mind and your heart. One day, you’ll get past it.

Read part two and part three.

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11 thoughts on “things that broke me – pt 1

  1. Puzzles of the Soul says:

    I was married about 4 years too about your age to a soulless man. I have learned over the years through working with my own soul. Love is a divine energy which is felt and shown through actions. All too many silver tongued people let the word love slip out of their mouths. As far as you ex not telling you he loved you due to past relationships it is just an excuse for he is probably incapable of love. If he had issue with his ex then he should have healed it before moving on to dump the same onto another very unfair. You are doing very well to analysis yourself, it is painful and sure you are learning what not to allow in your life with other people. Take care Blessings

    • Alexandra Hampton says:

      Thank you for your comment! I was nervous releasing a post about this, but the nervousness just gave it more power over me! I can’t truly let go unless I give it no power. Thank you for sharing your experience with me! Seeing others get past something like this, a deep pain, makes it feel a lot easier to let go. Have a beautiful day! 🙂

  2. okayishness blog says:

    I was in a relationship with a man similar to this for two years, though it wasn’t so extreme as what you went through. He told me he loved me, but his actions and behaviors made me feel so lonely and needy, like I was practically begging him to take notice of me and just give me a compliment, or acknowledge the hard work I was doing, or just hold my hand and make me feel loved without me having to do it first. It was maddening! I hated feeling like I had to pry the affection out of him, and it made me wonder if I was even deserving of tenderness or affection at all. I finally realized that it wasn’t me or my fault – it just wasn’t part of who he was or what he was capable of giving to me. Leaving was hard, because in many other ways, we were good friends and had lovely tomes together. But I couldn’t stay with someone who I felt I had to constantly prove my worthiness of affection to. It’s definitely embarrassing to admit, but we’re tender-hearted folks who give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time. Be kind to yourself as you work through this. It’ll get better ❤️

  3. Looking for the Light says:

    Many of us have been there. In my case, being abused as a child made me want love so bad I accepted anything. I didn’t see the red flags. It’s extremely pain and the pain can stay with you. You are moving in the right direction to understand the how’s & why’s. Working thru the memories allows you to move forward, I know you’re looking for the day.
    Hugs
    M

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